A different Independence Day
The night before July 4th I was stunned to read on a thread on FB that a colleagues daughter was in the hospital fighting for her life due to having been nearly beat to death by her husband.
She had given birth to their first child 2 weeks before, married for 6 month. She is 23 years old.
She asked her mother (my colleague) to post pictures of what he did to her, and tell the world what he did. Hard to look at. Hard to read. Put another face to the many of Domestic Violence.
The news picked the story up. From there a little more understanding - late last year there was another incident, a "fight", he was ordered to go into anger management. He went, he talked positively about the experience, he seemed to be on the right path. Though we do not know that was true, we do not know what she lived with, we only know he managed not to have to police called for 9 months.
Codependents are very likely to end up in DV relationships, we want to help people, we want to fix people, we feel we can "love" them to normalcy. We easily forgive bad behavior, we rationalize it. We ignore it. We try an fix it, control it, manage it. We exhaust ourselves making sure whatever "triggers" are there become our responsibility in effect we take blame when something happens because WE failed at our job.
This man held this woman hostage in their home for 4 days. In that time he tried to blind her so she "would never see her baby", attempted to destroy her hearing by pouring boiling water in her ears so she would never "hear her baby again", he tried to pull her teeth so she could not bite him, he stabbed her twice, he broke her ribs and her jaw, he choked her. He forced her to take drugs to keep her sedated so that he could repeatedly rape her, and she couldn't escape. The news posted a picture of them taken maybe week before both holding their newborn looking at him lovingly with their arms wrapped around each other.
Why did he do this? What was it that set him off? The why's and the what's are why people stay (gotta un-do all that childhood trauma for them!! The empathy for them, the compassion that they are screwed up) along with that pesky emotion love.
I imagine today or tomorrow this sub-human person will go to Court. I read that the wife is scared (well, but of course) that he will get out, he will get bail(please Lord no). Currently, the charges pending against him are for aggravated battery, imprisonment, and endangering a child (the baby is fine btw) I hope that they go for attempted murder and rape because that's what it is. I pray he is denied bail. I saw his mug shot last night. He was smirking, staring straight in the camera like "whatever".
I'm glad she got her independence from him, very sorry for what it cost her. I'm glad we live in a Country where no woman is the property of any man, I am glad we live in a Country that recognizes marital rape. I'm thankful for those like LexieCat who work diligently in this area because its got to be hard to see the abuse. Please say a prayer for this young woman that she regains her physical state back the way it was before, she is making improvements. Not sure what the state of her eyesight is, I know that she can see light but they are unable to determine yet what if any permanent damage is there at this time.
It can get you killed trying to fix someone who is a Domestic Abuser. They are filled with hatred and malice, they are often narcissist, sociopaths, they feel nothing about what they do because its is "YOUR FAULT YOU MADE THEM DO IT. Yesterday was a somber day for me. I cannot get these pictures out of my head, nor forget the story. 4 days OMG, A lifetime. I know we have members here who are in the same situation. I don't get on those threads too much, they are best left to others that understand the psychology of the abused. My wish for those who are is to take in consideration this story, and the millions of other stories. Call a confidential DV hotline, get counseling, get a plan, get to a shelter, tell someone don't hide it, GET OUT, you aren't anyone's punching bag.