Hi, Jeff,
For the record, I think you've made progress. You're not the same guy that we first met when you joined SR.
I'm not the same woman I was when I joined SR, either. A lot of growth takes place on SR.
One of the harder steps for many of us -- all of us? -- is to recognize when we've hit a wall. When the next step seems too high. It's happened with me. I've come to the point where I recognized that despite a lot of growth -- and being within spitting distance of three years of sobriety -- there's more to be accomplished. And that I cannot do it alone. I've made an appointment with a therapist.
It's hard to admit the next hurdles are high ones. Ambivalence has been your next hurdle for a long time.
I encourage you to think about how to clear the next hurdle and how external help could play an important part, if you let it. You've often conceded that the notion of therapy or a group such as NA/AA is well outside of your comfort zone. But that concession, for you, seems to me to be your "I'm not that kind of guy, therefore I can't ..." strategy.
That strategy isn't working real well when you feel like the ship is coming close to going off course. It's time to seek reinforcements.
You do deserve kudos for sticking with it here. We see many names disappear from our community. Or we see them return to report that, indeed, their strategies didn't work.
It takes courage to ask for help. Be brave.