Yikes. I see resentment (at others), anger (at yourself AND others), defiance (exactly that, no matter what you say you don't want to be), and illusions. Among other things.
I knew I was an alcoholic for a long time- far too long.
I denied it, sort of, til it was way, WAY bigger than me.
I refused to just - stop.
When you stop drinking - your mind starts to clear and you are TRULY able to assess your situation. You may not admit step 1 in AA terms, that you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable...that can take awhile. Some people really never get past Step 1 - in whatever language their program speaks- but it is the key. But getting your AV to stop, even just one day then the next then the next - your sober mind WILL start to be able to get in through the cracks.
Then, you can decide or possibly begin to see and accept your situation. Or not. But giving that sober voice a chance to speak, even just to whisper, is IMO what needs to happen for any of us to decide what we need to do. And decide not to be addicted IS a decision. As we say in AA, sobriety is a plan of ACTION.
I hope you hear all of us - or, really, LISTEN to what is being said.
Prayers just for you, today.