jchaz

Every couple of years I come back to this site feeling awful and defeated. In my attempts to be anonymous, I can never remember my user names, what I've said, or where to begin. Just a sad cycle of in and out. I am determined to change it, but it feels a bit harder than the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.

Short story. I started drinking when I was 19. I grew up in a family of alcoholics, and I swore that it would never happen to me. I had plenty of opportunities to drink when I was even younger, but I resisted. I had seen the destruction, and I wanted no part of it. I still sometimes cant believe that it happened to me... someone that should have known better.

Now I'm 36. I've wasted nearly two decades of my life on alcohol. I first tried, and failed to quit drinking in 2003, and I've tried countless times over the years with very little success. Last year, I managed to make it five months without drinking. It was the only time in my adult life that I'd managed to last more that a week, and I thought I had it beat. Boy was I wrong!

You all know the story. I started back with a few beers. Then I decided that I could drink on the weekends. Within a month, I was a daily drinker again, and more recently, I'm back to drinking all day, every day.

I know from experience that it get's easier, and that I'll feel better, both physically and emotionally, but I just can not find that stopping point this time. I keep putting it off, and putting it off. I can't keep living like this!

I've tried AA and going to meetings actually made me want to drink more. Plus, I'm strongly NOT religious, and I know that isn't supposed to be a requirement, but it's uncomfortable to me.

I really have no idea what I'm going to do yet. I just needed to vent.