Lots of rock bottoms and horror stories, stopped drinking for week to months after each one. Always went back to alcohol when the rock bottom faded and I felt on top of the world again. Never dawned on me that I drank because I was out of balance emotionally and had no blueprint on how to live life as the only one I got was about how to live it in chaos and emotional pain. I always looked to change externals, never worke for me. Always looked for the next great thing to fix me, tried all my life to do the fix myself. Surrounded myself by people either drinking or not, no middle ground either fanatically drinking or fanatically not. Always been in the midst of the inmates running the asylum. Trying to find the middle ground now.