Originally Posted by
davaidavai 
Does anyone have this problem?
I'm so glad you posted this. My home group is very hands-off in that they don't want you to depend too much on a sponsor. On the one hand, I get it, so as not to build a co-dependent relationship but on the other hand, I guess I assumed friendships would develop with people who had similar life experiences.
My sponsor and the other sponsors in my group don't socialize. They all have their own families, friends, outside lives...
I tried a few times to socialize with other newcomers who were working the steps at the same time I was, but it never seemed to last, which then made me feel worse about myself. I think my therapist was hoping I'd make friends in AA but it just hasn't happened.
I'm sure a lot of it is because I'm 38 years old and a guy, but in total I've done AA for about 2 years, in NYC. I feel like the comradery angle is talked up, but when you get down to it, it's like the men there don't know how to or don't wish to actually be friends with me beyond the I 'help you thereby help myself' variety.
I don't think age or sex has anything to do with it, unless you mean that the younger people in their teens and 20s seem to be making friends easier?
Yes same here....the women will help but they don't want to actually be friends. Which makes me wonder, how am I supposed to find other friends who don't drink?? It's as if my social life has actually decreased. Then again, I can understand people in AA wanting to set boundaries as a way of self-protection and just being in AA to help others.
I know what this must sound like, but I'm really not clingy. Nor do I care all that much. After a while though it just seems odd. I just think that in any environment that you devote so much time to, there should some friendships formed, some hint of that.
You are not coming across as clingy. I also thought I'd see more friendships develop in a format like AA because we all have that in common.
I've done a fair amount. Sometimes I can draw people out, but then they never reciprocate. Honestly, it sort of reminds me of a bar scene, but worse in this respect. Like people who don't quite get it. I still like it, don't get me wrong. And I am very open to the possibility that I don't get it, that there is something off about me. but now in any event I take the comradery aspect with a grain of salt. I have a friendly nature, but now I remind myself that trying to create these ties is not something I should focus on in AA.
I sometimes wonder, too, that there's something off about me. In fact I keep meaning to ask my sponsor about that. But honestly I don't think that's it, no matter how much my self-absorbed, less than, ego tries to tell me that it is. I think it's that people live extremely private lives. I remember friending people on facebook from AA and only one of like 10 accepted. My sponsor told me that people don't want to friend people from AA because that's private. So maybe that's it. It's a shame, really, because that just proves that the stigma still exists out there.
I don't focus on it, either. I focus on my step work. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad that I can't be friends with a lot of the people I see every week.
As I'm typing this to you, I now think it's a matter of people in AA trying to remain private. They don't want to mix their AA/recovery life with their social life.