End Game said what I was thinking of.
First, your change in perception is awesome, so keep at it.
That said, I agree with EGNYC. Alcohol and other drugs were the reward. They weren't my problem, they were my attempt at a solution to my inability to handle life and how I felt.
The consequences of using seemed like a punishment, but no matter how self-destructive I got, I can tell you that I was never after those consequences. Sure, I felt that I deserved no better, but the drugs were simply my way to escape reality and find oblivion. Using for me wasn't about self-flagellation, it was about escape.
In the end, there was no escape, but I kept trying.
I knew that using would make things worse, but I convinced myself that I didn't care, because it was more important for me to escape now, if only for a brief time.