Mylifeismine, thank you for that link. It's eye opening for me. It's funny, a lot of that describes me to a T. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family but my mother did and my house was probably pretty close given the chaotic mood swings of my father and his domineering personality. I absolutely do not want my daughter to inherit those traits.
I feel like I'm beating the same drum, asking the same questions, but maybe if I hear the answers enough, I'll finally manage up more strength....
I am struggling with how to move forward. I don't see a positive end to this, but everything in both of our actions is just so wrapped up in chaos that I don't know which way is up.
I finally convinced him to rent an airbnb for at least a few weeks so I can get some space and so I can think of my next step. In the meantime I've gone from detachment, empathy and understanding to over the top rage at him. Anger that he's making this harder for me, anger that he's playing the victim and not taking responsibility for all of this, that he's blaming me for not giving him another chance. He's putting guilt on me, that he would never do this to me if the tables were turned, that I'm not supporting him and kicking him when he's down, that I'm not holding up my end of "sickness and health". And all of that gets into my head. All of that makes me feel guilty, makes me feel like an awful person. I can't stand it when people are disappointed in me and question my intentions, and it's getting me to question everything on my end. He says he's always accepted me and my faults unconditionally, which is so very true. He's using that against me, that he says I don't love him unconditionally.
In the meantime, he hasn't done a single thing to show he's committed to a recovery since Thursday. He didn't go to his Monday rehab meeting because he felt sick and awful. He didn't meet with his sponsor last night because of the same reason and because he had to get up early the next day. He hasn't called his sponsor at all during all of this. Last night he was working on his little projects and when I stupidly said sarcastically "How's that studying the book, working on recovery going?" he said he wasn't expecting to have to leave so soon so he had to get his little hobbies finished up. Because THAT'S what's important right now, right?
He is sick and broken. He's got a head wound, a broken finger, a horrible cold and cough. He DOES feel awful, but if he was committed, if he was taking me seriously, he'd still do whatever it took to show me that he's going to earn my trust back, that sobriety is important, right?
He still holds on to that he thinks he just "slipped up after doing so well for so long". He was only sober for 5 days!! To him that is a lifetime, and I understand that from his pov, but then how in the he'll is he going to make it to even 30, 60, 120 days??! Especially when he isn't even trying to do anything different in regards to recovery.
Sorry, I'm kind of ranting now. Its just so hard for me to hold on to feeling like I'm doing the right thing when he can convince me that I'm not, that I'm giving up on him too easily. I guess he feels like it could be way worse. And it could. So I guess he wants me to wait until he fixes it or everything implodes.