Jimmy I'm right there with you. It's so hard to take that bloody first step. But we both know we HAVE to. But how? When?
I've made an appointment to see my therapist this evening. Hopefully he can help me see a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel. I will tell you one thing. Unless you WANT to see a way out, you'll never be able to begin to find it. I go between wanting to change and wallowing in my crap all the time, so I totally understand where you are at the moment.
I lived in the UK for just under 5 years and I remember that there was a number you could call for free medical advice/referrals. Could you maybe see about setting up an appointment with a counselor so that if/when you decide to take that step you have the beginning of a safety net? For me personally I will probably never try and stop if I don't have at least that.
It's hard. Realize that even if on the surface you don't seem to want to help yourself, something deep down is desperately wanting help. You wouldn't be posting here otherwise.
Keep us updated please. ((Hugs))