Girlfriend, I just scanned your posts quick, you seem so nice. I didn't see your drinking history, but have you considered that you might have developed actual alcoholism?
I wonder if you haven't encountered the school of thought, gathered most painstakingly by actual alcoholics (and their doctors and their critics), that observes real alcoholics become quite unable to leave the stuff alone entirely, at certain times, no matter how great the necessity or the wish or the reasoning, and despite having been successful at avoiding it during other periods. It is characterized as an infernal progressive malady where once we do capitulate to the urge to take a drink, unlike normal drinkers, we begin to lose all control over the amount we will take. This they call a phenomenon, some kind of allergy, and it NEVER occurs in your normal average drinker, this phenomenon of craving is restricted to the class of alcoholic and alcoholic only.
This condition can hit some percentage of the population from any experience or background no matter the life circumstances, and gets dreadfully impossibly worse over any considerable period of time. Once lost, we NEVER regain control, ever advancing to frustration, failure, futility, disgrace and finally wet brain.
Normal willpower and common sense do NOT function when this malady has advanced. They are insufficient to prevent us from picking up, despite what always keeps happening, and we grow quite deranged.
Many of these alcoholics spent plenty on psychiatry and medicine, spas and rehabs, tried every self help health kick resolution remedy over and over to no ultimate avail, the deep rooted urge to drink is too strong, crops up whenever it wants, and easily pushes aside every sound reason not to. They declare it an insanity. We drink contrary to our own will, interests, and otherwise sound reasoning, and once trapped find it impossible to stop.
I wonder what your modern doctor has to say about eliminating your urges.
*If* you do find yourself succumbing, because of this strange mental blank spot, their advice is to check whether we are in control of the amount. See whether you are able to have one or two and leave it at that.
If not, you might check into the book those alcoholics wrote back in the 30s. They found a kinda offbeat way that cuts straight to the heart of the matter, not without its definite challenge to the proud modern mind, that does eliminate the overwhelming urge where self-help methods fail.
I have finally found the desperate will to try it, in unhappy resignation and bewildered defeat, and it has actually been working just as promised. I trust your doctor hasn't withheld the information from you? Kinda sounds like s/he might be fiddling with its methods, but missing some fundamental ingredients. Were i you i would check that book out for myself, it explains different types of drinkers well enough, and exactly how alcoholics have been finding relief ever since.
If we are alcoholic to any considerable degree, our discipline, resolutions, willpower, efforts and wishes will sooner or later one day fail us, in favor of having a drink. We build lives and tear the structure down with senseless destructive inexplicable sprees. Our loved ones don't understand it and neither do we. We are in a continual state of disturbance until we can once more experience the relief that comes at once with a few shots. There is always one more attempt at control, and one more failure, and we repeat this ever worsening maddening cycle until we die. That's just the nature of alcoholism. The malady destroys everything we work for, it is progressive, and it is fatal. Avoiding alcohol does not work for us.