I just woke up, didn't sleep til 6 a.m. this morning.
Wow you guys.... Um.., I've been residing with the mental hell that is ceaseless anxiety and many, many sad thoughts on having no family, and literally no one for so, so long. It's more than just the emotional aspect, back when I lost my job and so lost everything and had literally nowhere to go... I ended up moving into someone's storage space. Someone who was verbally abusive and generally awful, which really helped to fuel more alcoholism.
This and more on my mind. And I suffer it sober.
I dunno what to say. My heart is sad today and I'm really scared. Yes, I may have a bf but if we broke up today-then what/who do I have?
Nothin'. No one. Same as ever.
No one on sleepie's side. No one in my corner. Suffered the death of my only caring relative alone, not a soul to talk to about it. Lost my job, my home, and the last of my mental health and had nobody. Just friends. But who are they? They walked away after I attempted. I'd lost everything and couldn't take it anymore. I'd been trying so hard for so, so long to no results in life. Wasn't like I had a bad day and then decided to check out.
And my "friends" dropped me like a piece of trash.
If I get sick, lose my vision and become disabled, what then, with no family? nobody, no team sleepie?
These are all pretty valid reasons to drink, and I don't.
Anyway, lots on my mind.
I decided to stay home and let bf go and celebrate with his family without me. I don't need a reminder of all I never had and never will have. Good for him. His plate has always had plenty, in this regard. Not mine. This day means nothing to me.
I'm going to watch more OITNB.