Kudos on going "no contact". I know how hard it is to do that. I am struggling with this myself. Like I have heard over and over again on SR, "more will be revealed". It is so true. My recent XABF, whom I just left after 4 years, the enmeshment of our 4 children, and living together, suggested that we have "sex cards". Which is basically like a "bootie call". Wow. This really hurt. I told him he could keep the whole deck. It was never about just "sex" for me when it came to intimacy. I guess it was for him.
Don't be ashamed. He is the one who should be ashamed of himself. He needs to grow up, among so many other things. Keep your head held high! You did everything you could have for him and his children. He should be thanking you, not berating you. But, this is classic abusive alcoholic behavior. The whole "I love you. Go away." practice of theirs. I lived it as well. I remember a couple months back someone posted something about how an alcoholic thinks... I will try to find it and repost it.