Hey Emily
I had a few similar things. We used to arrange to go for dinner (or an alternative to get him out of the bar!!) he would fall asleep - I would go alone and when I got back he would be out with his mates!!!!. A few things struck me about your postings.
" I feel like somehow it is my fault he is stuck, I did this to him, so I somehow owe him."
It is not your fault at all. It is he who is stuck. You owe him nothing.
You do however to owe it yourself - to Emily- to be happy.
" I am punishing myself, because I feel like I deserve it." You deserve to be happy, peaceful and out of this drama.
Have you read the Melody Beattie book?? Why dont you check it out. I read it and to be honest it was like it had been written for me about my situation!!! It is amazing.
I too felt guilty, I blamed myself, I did everything possible - fetched him out of ER, put up with public embarassments, affairs, you name it!!! Yet still I too thought it was me. If I did this or that it would be better - it wasnt.
I am a little futher on at the moment. I am still struggling to get through the days but I can promise you it is not you.
I saw him not so long ago and you know what?? He is still doing the same, the fact I am no longer there seems to not be an issue at all!! In this time I have worked on my own recovery and have taken tiny steps but they are all forwards.
Yes you are sick in a way - codependancy is an addiction too. You need to concentrate on yourself. You cannot make him better but you can make yourself better.
Honestly check out the book. It really is great.
Good Luck ((HUG))
Katie