Hi Sissi, so glad you came back!
I feel so alone. Even though other men is approaching me and asking me out, I cannot think of anyone else than HIM.
This just... Oh gosh the human heart can be so maddening, can't it?
I sometimes think of my first love, which happened twenty years ago, and even now my heart sometimes aches at the loss. We fell in love so hard and so fast, that even the mere memory of it still sends me reeling in shock.
But we were so bad for each other - it just didn't click - and drugs weren't even involved! Sometimes you can love somebody desperately but it just doesn't plain work out.
This will sound super corny, but when I think about the life I would have had with first love, I am even more grateful the life that I have with my husband. I am convinced that married life with first love would have been miserable - I would have become increasingly bitter at the opportunities I would have denied myself to be with him. I would have had to suppress so many of my personal beliefs I would no longer be myself.
But if I went back knowing what I know now and tried to console my twenty-five year old self, I don't think she would have believed me. She would have been sobbing uncontrollably, and even if the breakup was mutual, she would have still longed for him to come back even with the mounting evidence that the relationship wasn't going to work out.
In reality, we did see each other one more time, and all it did was break my heart into tinier pieces. It did accomplish one thing - I was so sick of feeling heartbroken that it made me determined to move forward to something better, even if I didn't know what "something better" was.
This man - he has been breaking your heart repeatedly every time he uses drugs. I fear that you may believe that love IS heartbreak - and it doesn't have to be so.
It's such a tough place to be in. Hugs to you!