I found that I used a fine tooth comb to inspect my date's past, his habits, his mannerisms, his job history, etc etc, lol. I was on a mission to find a, for lack of a better word, 'normal' man.
Well, I found one, but I had to work program even harder after we got serious because the lightbulb moment came when I realized: Hey, woman, you have to take YOU with you in every relationship now.
I couldn't leave myself back in my alcoholic relationship; I had to learn new ways so, honestly, sometimes the red flags were my own red flags NOT the man I was dating. The interaction was skewed because my perspective was still mired in doubt, low self esteem, or in my own martyrdom. I was creating drama in my head that didn't even exist in my relationship with this man. I had to start practicing self love and self care until it became the norm for me and not the dysfunction of the past that ruled my thoughts.
Today, I lean on my program friends and sponsor more than I used to because they provide that other perspective from the outside that I sometimes need. I think I still have trouble trusting my intuition. My gut feeling will say, "He doesn't love me. He hardly ever says it and he's not expressing it ENOUGH to satisfy me or maybe he's taking advantage of me".....etc....my brain can make up all kinds of stuff. My intuition was sometimes off because of how I interpreted people's actions or words after so many years of living with my XAH. I had to really dig deep and reprogram myself and say, "Seriously, woman! The man treats you like you deserve. He checks on you daily. He cooks for you. He brings you breakfast in bed if you aren't up yet. He encourages your career goals and pushes you to achieve more and have more vision for yourself. He hugs you when you need a hug. He holds you when you fall asleep. He asks your opinion about everything and values it and takes it into consideration. His kids love you. He makes sure you continue to be an independent woman and works with you on a healthy interdependent relationship. He encourages your hobbies. My son looks up to him. etc etc"
But, in the back of my mind, there is doubt: self doubt and mistrust of someone's motives. I can't help it. I was raised in the disease of alcoholism so my Al Anon support friends and program are so vital to my new life today. I can't stay sane without them, truly!