Thanks so much for all your awesome replies! Knowing I have people here who understand and support me have made this so much easier.
I have done a lot of thinking this weekend and I've finally had that click in my head that everything has to go. i looked around at some of the people who I was out with and saw my old self and the self destructive way I've acted and I don't want to continue like that - it really opened my eyes to the path I don't want to continue down. I finally feel like I've got the acceptance thing and I'm going to throw myself more into NA. I met up with and apologized to a good friend I pushed away through my denial to face hard situations and hurt and have connections with people - this felt like a big step. And I'm reading books to help me look at myself and why I am this way. I am an addict but I'm determined to beat this.