AH Relationships
Take it from someone who's been on the amusement park ride for well over a decade... married to one. This is what I learned:
1. AHs aren’t revealing their true self until sober for at least a year. You are planning a life with an addiction, not a person. AH is a powerful, mind-altering substance.
2. AHs cannot fall in love. They are already in a deep relationship with AH, and you’ll never replace that. You merely enable their affair.
3. AHs have v. low self-esteem and live in a world of self-pity and blame. No matter your devotion, you will be the one blamed in the end.
4. AHs drinking will conjure a gentle approach from you to start, then as they continually lie, your firm and understandably angry reaction is now cause to drink even more heavily. You are now the cause.
5. AH’s that sober up run away from problems in their past, and look “toward their future”. Years of caring for them mean nothing. You’re now merely a problem from the past, and accountability is a negative concept.
6. AH’s notoriously lie whether drinking or not. It’s their nature, and has been a rewarded behavior that’s now deeply ingrained in their personality. Don't believe sobriety will change this.
7. AHs justify all bad behaviors, even when sober. Your negative reaction to their lies and deceit will be a primary justification to do whatever they want, because their sober brain now knows all.
8. AH’s are notorious for falling off the wagon. The cycle then repeats… forever.
9. AH's can be extremely resentful of your efforts to help them quit. They will take what they can from you before they leave. Do not feel sorry for an AH and marry them.
9. YOU DESERVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP with mutual love and affection and devotion. AHs, by their inherent nature, are not capable of this.
Do not marry an AH, period. No matter how much you love him/her, they only love the bottle. They may say they love you, but they are not there mentally. If you marry this person, you will suffer and will be forever regretful once you realize the end is not pretty, and you are deemed the cause, regardless of whether they were an AH before they met you.
AH lie, manipulate and deceive to get their next drink. They don't care about you. You will begin to become a person you do not like when you realize this and react to their drinking in negative ways (who wouldn't eventually after all the lies). Then their issues becomes YOUR anger management problem, and this yet another excuse to drink. Trust me, this is the pattern that you will be in until you divorce this individual.
AHs are self-centered, inherently selfish, pity-partiers. They take no responsibility for their actions, even if they say they do. Truth lies in future actions, and the pattern will repeat with the next binge. Nothing is their fault. If they do rehab/quit, they will move on to remove themselves from your "negative energy" and any accountability for what they've done in the past. Their newly sober euphoric "pink cloud" dry-drunk mantra is, "the past is the past, let it go... look toward the future". You are the past they are referring to, and will not be part of that future. Even if you are, there's a very high probability that they'll fall off the wagon and the whole cycle starts again.
You will see that they make bad decisions even after quitting. Lying was part of their sober, base personality as well. They will justify their errant behaviors as they did when drunk. They will tell you that this is the real person that you've been trying to change.
They will become extremely resentful of your efforts to help them quit and look at it as attempts to control them. They will take what they can from you before they leave. Do not feel sorry for an AH and marry them, it's a lose-lose situation.
Run away now, before you get the lawyers and priests involved. Run as fast as you can toward a normie that can love, respect, and devote their life to
Good Luck.