Big hug to you Aliciagr.
Relationships with A's are complex and never more so when you are still in love and there is some hope.
In response to your question, "Am I all messed up?" Yep, you are. And so are the rest of us! Just do the best you can with what you know and where you are. When you can do better than you will do better. Most of all please treat yourself kindly.