Not sure how I feel but have been self loathing all day
My husband stayed over yesterday, spent the night, slept in our bed. You get the picture. He is acting normal just now before he goes to inpatient.
I got emotional and my mind kept going back to the forced times. But maybe its better to have the first time out of the way before he goes away?
I am afraid he is going to lose it before he gets on the plane to go. His dad is travelling with him.
All the pain, anger,fear and shame came rushing back after the deed was done. Maybe I do need counseling? Will all the bad memories go away?
And what if 's play over and over. Maybe I should be angry with myself? I kept having flashbacks of my alanon group and dont I deserve more? Isnt being treated abusively once enough to make me ask why set myself up for more? Am I all messed up and giving too much to him. Giving myself to someone who hasnt yet proven he will put me, our marriage above drugs and alcohol? I feel bad about myself because I slept with my own husband . I feel like I'm in pieces emotionally. But I be he doesnt feel that way at all.
He was thoughtful but what if I can't get past this? Am I weak because I go back for more. Weak for loving him? What do I do to make these self loathing feelings stop?