Double Relapse
So, I'm not sure how many days ago I had a relapse post, and then went on about how determined I was to stay sober... but clearly I wasn't determined enough.
Saturday, I got drunk. Unfortunately, I'm an extremely volatile person when I'm drunk (I know, generally everyone is, but I'd say I'm a fairly extreme case). I went out to the bar I work at to sort out my schedule, and someone bought me a beer. I drank it. Of course, things spiraled. Four hours later, I'm wandering around the bar, talking to everyone, having a good time, or so I thought. Then someone starts talking to me about my fiance who lives very far away and tells me "There's no way he's not cheating on you... I'm a guy, I know." This isn't the first time this has happened. In a way, it was good, because I stormed out of the bar upset. If it hadn't happened, I'd probably still be trying to piece together my blackout of a night.
Now, I think I mentioned in my first post that I've had problems with self injury. It's a hard one for people who don't have a problem with it to understand - a lot like alcoholism. It's another addiction, another coping mechanism. It's something I revert to when I'm drunk and upset, and Saturday night I did just that. It had been months since I've hurt myself. I was finally healing up.
Alcohol is destroying my body, inside and out. I'm dealing with a lot of little things in my life, and I'm having a really hard time controlling myself right now. I'm just so damn tired.
This is a hard thing for me to talk about, so I apologize for any discomfort I cause anyone with this, but I haven't told anyone in my life, and I needed to get it out. I'm two days sober, but I still feel like I'm falling apart. I desperately want a drink.