I read this post early this morning, and have been pondering it, trying to come up with the 'right' answer. Seems there isn't a right answer, and it made me ask a lot of questions of myself. But, here goes:
I did stay because I thought I could influence, coerce, shame, guilt, force, love her into quitting, or slowing down, or whatever I thought was needed. Through this forum I know that none of those will work.
I also stayed thinking that she would 'get it' and want to get better - for our son, if not for anything else. Sadly, the denial is way to strong to think she would even need help.
I also stayed because 'breaking up the family' seemed so, well, not right. I took my vows seriously (as did you all), and breaking those vows seemed like an insult to God. My son looooves her mother dearly, and the thought of having to remove him from that seemed devastating to him -her falling further into alcoholism could be more devastating. I stay out of fear that he would be alone with her at night, and she would drink and pass out, and there would no coherent parent should he wake up scared or sick.
I stay now because, though I'm more aware of the pitfalls of having a child live with an active A, I'm not yet ready to pull the trigger and leave/kick her out. I've changed my attitudes in how I deal with DS and try to be more loving/present with him - in order to show him who the stable parent is.
The love is pretty much gone, however - and that is sad. We co-exist, for the most part, but that's about it. To reference another thread -there is no intimacy, it been long gone.
Am I making the right choice(s) for me and DS? Maybe not, but they are the choices with which I'm comfortable, today. I did have an atty. consult, so I could make a move at any time. And when that time comes, I'm sure I'll know it.
I'm not afraid of being alone, or lonely - in fact, I would very much welcome the serenity and peace should she not be around.
I've always had an issues verbalizing my feelings, so it was hard to come up with this list, but I did, and it's giving me something to think about.