I cant do this anymore
Hi everyone. I'm new here, and just starting the journey of recovery. It's only my first day with new booze, but I don't know if I can do it. I've tried so many tines before. Started binging from 17-20 in college, and became a true alcoholic from 20 until now, at 26. I drink 10-20 nips & drinks/beers a day. The past 6 or so months I've gained a significant amount of weight, and I don't know if it's from organ damage, lithium (I'm bipolar) or thyroid issues, or the extra alcohol calories. I don't eat much, but I eat crap food, and drink at least a quart of milk a day - a relatively new thing that's started. (Heard milk cravings are a sign of diabetes, but my urine didn't indicate a failing pancreas, and am getting a full blood test done tomorrow for thyroid and everything else.) I don't want to bore you with my story, I guess I just want to know how not to give up.
I'm currently unemployed and living at home, bipolar, in debt about $5k in CCs and $10k for my car, I have few close friends (many acquaintances because I use to be popular before I fell off grid and became a reclusive, depressed, anhedonic, alcoholic), no real hobbies although I have so many interests, no major goals (battle with different philosophies and also my mental illness), insanely intense fear of judgment and shame, and much more. I don't know where to begin. I know about the rat park experiment, where 9/10 rats ODed on coke when in solitary confinement, but none did when in rat park (oh, I also do coke at least once a month, usually once a week), but how does one find friends and stuff? Especially clean friends, as all mine do drugs and/or drink. I'm just so overwhelmed.
Tl;dr - I'm a 6+ year alcoholic (600-750ml of vodka a day) who is super overwhelmed with everything, and wants to know what y'all recommend as a first step to get the ball rolling. I'm job hunting now, but that's difficult due to the bipolar depression + ADHD, and so is maintaining full time employment. I know a full time job and my own place would help a lot, but it's so hard to attain. I just can't go on like this anymore. The suicidal ideations are getting more real, and so are the urges. I'm very optimistic underneath it all, and hopeful, but it's all wearing me down more and more everyday. Anyway, sorry for the length, and thanks all for any input.