Hi suzy, I'm glad that you're here. Admitting that you have a problem with alcohol is hard. We don't want to do that, we want to deny. That denial increases based on how much we like to drink. You are not alone in any of this. This board is one of the greatest tools I have in my sobriety toolkit. It's saved me many times. Spend some time reading and post. You did something really big in coming here. It's an important step.
Only you can decide if you have a problem and if you need to be here but I'm going to show you something.
People who are either problem drinkers or are alcoholics like to play a game. I call it the Scale of Denial. If you hold up your two hands palms up the left hand are the positives and the right are the negatives of drinking. In the left hand are all the good things in life that lead us away from the fact that we have a problem. On the right are all the negatives that point to the possibility that we have an issue.
We will do anything in our power to keep those scales equal or the positives higher because then we can remain in denial. We won't have to face there's a problem. However, if we look at the sides separately some clarity comes into play. A lot of first posts are exactly this. It's a bit sobering to see the sides separated. Look at this.
Left side (positive)
I'm not the "typical" alcoholic if that's even a thing anyways. I am very healthy. I eat well, exercise/run daily, training for marathons.
I don't drink during the day. I'm very functional.
I like alcohol. I am also the responsible drunk. I never drink and drive and get all my responsibilities out of the way before I consume.
I gave it up last year for 40 days to train for a race. I gave it up in January.
Right side (negative)
I realize my running would be better if I didn't drink but it's my reward to myself after working so hard.
I do think I'm depressed. I pretty much drink at night until I fall asleep or pass out.
Last night scared me. I looked over my chats with people and I wrote I was drinking vodka. I have no recollection of drinking vodka . This should be scaring me but again I feel numb to it.
But when I consume it's a lot.
The problem is I always go back and it seems to always be more when I do.
So when you look at it in this light what are your thoughts? Do you think there might be a problem? Facing and considering the negatives are the only way you can accurately decide.
We are here for you. It may be you don't have a problem. You came here and are questioning. Stay and read. You'll find a whole lot of stories like yours.
One word of caution, if you're blacking out this can happen anytime and without warning. Don't count on knowing how much alcohol it takes either. I learned that this past time.
Also, please remember, some of what you read in response to your posts might appear to be in your face and upsetting. They really aren't meant to be. Everyone is just trying to cut through what may be a case of denial. Care and concern for a fellow human being. This increases for me when I see a post from a person who reminds me a lot of my earlier drinking days. I want to scream "Noooooooooo, stop before it's too late!" but I know you have to find out for yourself.
I'm concerned for you and I hope everything works out. Stick around, you don't have anything to lose.
I'm glad that you're here,