Hello New Here
Hello I'm new here and this will more than likely be long. I am pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. Why is admitting that so very hard? I keep finding loopholes that will make it not so and all it does is fuel the denial. If a friend told me she drinks what I do I would be shocked. And yet I'm too numb with myself to be shocked.
I'm not the "typical" alcoholic if that's even a thing anyways. I am very healthy. I eat well, exercise/run daily, training for marathons. I realize my running would be better if I didn't drink but it's my reward to myself after working so hard.
I don't drink during the day. I'm very functional. I do think I'm depressed. I pretty much drink at night until I fall asleep or pass out.
Last night scared me. I looked over my chats with people and I wrote I was drinking vodka. I have no recollection of drinking vodka . This should be scaring me but again I feel numb to it.
I like alcohol. I am also the responsible drunk. I never drink and drive and get all my responsibilities out of the way before I consume. But when I consume it's a lot.
I gave it up last year for 40 days to train for a race. I gave it up in January. The problem is I always go back and it seems to always be more when I do.
I honestly don't know what to do.