I'm going to be blunt. He's not a pill, he's not something you smoke, but he is your drug. But you went to him because you missed the intoxication of being in love with him. You went to him even though you knew it would be a bad idea, even though you knew that you were putting your own emotional survival at stake, and you relapsed with him.
Sissi, please don't do this. You can't contact him. You can't be friends with him. Continuing contact with him is just like a recovering addict calling her drug dealer just to "hang out." That is a completely unrealistic expectation. Don't put yourself through that. You are worth too much.
I'm sending you a hug too.