The fact that I could think that if Spouse would quit drinking, drugging, gambling, XY and Z then that would equal a happy marriage which would equal a happy me.
I resisted calling myself "codependent" for a long time too. I was certain I knew about codependent women (those meek, mousy little people who can't make decisions, who don't have jobs, who depend on their husband for everything and who can't cope with the slightest problem) and equally certain I wasn't one.
Well, by that terrifically inaccurate description, no, I was NOT one. I mean, for most of the marriage I made as much if not more money than him, I carried our insurance for over half the marriage, I (thought) I had the power to change what he did by having "talks" with him. No way was I codependent!
But by the way more accurate descriptions of "someone who depends on someone else to make them happy" or "someone who can only be happy if others are happy too", I was codependent as all get out.
There was more going on w/me, too, much of which dated back to an extremely dysfunctional FOO, and that needed work as well, so the codependency label didn't cover it all by any means. However, I do feel it was a significant part of the overall mess, and I do feel I've made improvements by addressing it. As much as I denied it at first, it was part of the problem.