Dreamcatcher44

One of the men I dated before my XABF contacted me last night. We've been friends for awhile but he started flirting and bringing up intimate times we had together previously and asked me out. The moment he did I got so sad i couldnt breath. Here i am getting asked out by a great guy but in my heart i dont want anyone else but my XABF. I missed him so bad i started crying and couldnt stop. Earlier that day i found out one of the dogs got cancer and was going to die. And i felt the world closing in on me and broke down and wrote my XABF a message. I woke up this morning to a message back. He said hes been clean 5 days and asked to stop by his job. So i did today....and there he was clean shaven. Eyes clear. Sober. It was like he had an excorcism and was back. It was him. I haven't seem him like this in 8 months. And all I wanted was to cry and hug him but at the same time all he had done came washing over me and i wouldnt allow myself to react. All i could think about was "this is temporary. Dont be stupid. This is temporary. He is an addict. He is dangerous." But he started talking... it wasnt the manipulator talking. It was HIM. So i just let him talk for a few minutes. I soaked him in...every little detail i let wash over me. This was what i had been fighting for. This. Him. Sober. And just when i gave up...there he is! I said I'm happy for him and i hope he keeps it up. He said i havent seen anything yet and hes only getting started. He asked me to go to a meeting with him. I declined and refused to give him my number. I went home and now i feel more lost then ever.

Yes i realize 5 days is nothing. Yes i realize his sobriety doesnt change his actions towards me now he is sober. Yes i realize i was stupid for seeing him. But what i am mostly torn up about is this horrible disease!! This horrible soul destroying disease. One minute a psychopath stealing and harming u. The next minute endearing warmhearted man u fell in love with. I hate this insidious disease. I hate what it does to people. I hate the fact that i know who i saw today is not who he is!!! Its only a part of him. And he is both sides of the coin. I felt happy and at the same time angry. Angry at myself for messing with my own head by seeing him. And more messed up bc he is sober. Wasnt expecting that. He was all dressed up in his work clothes. He looked so healthy and beautiful i felt like i was punched in the gut. He asked me to not live in the past and to live in the present. That all he did was symptoms of his disease. And all he wants is me. He will do whatever it takes and he will not stop fighting for me. And now i see where people get sucked in. I know better. I know better. God help me. I know better! I want to scream. I told him if he was a year clean and i was still single id consider giving him another chance. But i need time and he obviously doesnt want that but respects whatever decision I come to. He said we can both work our recovery at the same time. Anyway I feel so unsure of myself. I decided to come on here because I feel like i cant move forward with someone new and I cant go back with my XABF. I just need to be on my own for awhile. Which is fine but all this time i thought he was still in active addiction. Made it easier walking away..but now hes not and being honest I dont want to be with anyone else. But i will rather die then take him back. Which brings me back to my point. Love sucks. Addiction sucks. Codependancy sucks. K...rant done.