Originally Posted by fgh55

Yes it may not be the problem for me. But it may be so it's worth exploring further. I think aside from the alcohol addiction and all it brought to the relationship, there is also the layer of abuse that I need to recover from. While I was in it I was seeing it happening, but felt almost detached from it. Like I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was not what I wanted, but I felt like I was trapped in a way, and I would just move on from certain incidents. Looking back now, I see the control he had placed over me. He would threaten to hurt himself and even tried to do so once. I was terrified that he would. Now that he has been sober a few months and has been exploring his own behaviors he has been telling me that all of the things he did to me were wrong. He is acknowledging that he was abusive and controlling and that he wants to work on how he treats others. He acknowledges that he is quite mentally ill and it will take him a while to truly learn some new life skills. So our talks have been good, but I take them with a grain of salt. Like others have stated, he is in a safe place right now and is supported. The true test will be after he leaves and is out on his own.

Anyway, I know that I need to stop making things about him and think about myself and my role in the situation. I never thought I would get myself stuck in a situation like that. It scares me to think of the power he had over me even though I am financially independent, have no children of my own, and have a strong and supportive network of friends and family, I still couldn't walk away. I feel for anyone who feels trapped and judged by others for not leaving. I now know that sometimes the fear is too strong and overtakes everything. Him being arrested and forced to go to treatment was the best thing that could happen to me at that time. It gave me the space away from the suffocating hold he had over me and I am now able to begin to see things for what they were. I look back to three months ago and I was a mess. I was barely getting by. He literally sucked the life out of me. Even the first month after he left I was living in a state of shock, going through the motions of my day, but numb to all I went through. Now as I find myself immersed in the anger stage of things, I am finally feeling again. Even though the feelings are confusing and fleeting, at least I am finally feeling some of the backlogged emotions that I had suppressed during so many overlapping moments of distress. It's crazy how our bodies work. How the energy we think we have pushed away will always find it's way out, it's a beautiful thing really. A great reminder from my own body to take care of myself. Every tear I shed, every punching bag that I hit, and rock that I kick, is my body telling me to release the poison I had bottled up inside of me. And I am thankful for that. I am really learning to love and respect myself because I deserve that.