Maybe he didn’t want it to be real
Why did he leave when he did? I keep going back to the book that he bought, “Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic”. He said that it would be too much work to “rewire my brain” (which is technically what I am doing). It has only been a couple months and I already feel LOADS better. I find that I have less anxiety; I am starting to love and validate myself, to not seek approval from outside of self. I am not self sustaining yet but I am really proud of the progress I have made so far, and that alone is huge! I hardly ever felt proud of myself in the past!
Why, when we had a practical manual for how to move forward, did he jump ship? The betrayal of that realization is cutting deep in my chest today. Did he really just grow that tired of me that it didn’t matter anymore? Was I not worth the extra work to him? It’s hard for me to make sense of because *I* was the one that had to do the work… and it circles back to the fact that all the issues within our relationship seemed to have been pinned on me… that *I* was the one with all the problems, that *I* was the reason we couldn’t work out, that *I* was the one holding us back from being this great couple.
It makes me sad to see and be living all these improvements in such a short amount of time and he made it seem like this impossible task, that all hope was lost. Maybe he didn’t want it to be real, because that’s what it was becoming, real.