Yep ^^ My husband's parents do a lot of "don't tell dad/mom" what I told you.
My husband is 53 his parents aren't far off from 80. It really boils down to gossip, and trying to loop my husband in on taking sides BUT he is supposed to say nothing, do nothing, and have no reaction. It was the same way when he was a kid. Children shouldn't be put in the middle of their parents dysfunctional marriage I don't care how old they are.
Should I just leave my family alone? They were my only support group since I have cut ties with about 10 drinking friends Maybe down the road that might be something you may consider, but I would try and establish boundaries with them first and see how that goes. You'll need to reevaluate your own participation in the dysfunction - such as your mom tells your father things you tell her (and apparently not accurately). I wouldn't confide in her regarding your sobriety or the effects their own drinking had on you, or anything she goes back and discusses with him.. You have also "mended" fences with your dad even going so far as "tolerating" him putting your own child as risk. That's unacceptable behavior, and I ask was your reaction to that in anyway on the level it should have been? Did you lay boundaries down regarding the safety of your child which might have included limiting their contact with your child?
As far as the "list" if Pops called me up to discuss a list he commanded my mother to make to give to me the discussion would be very short, two words, one that begins with F and the other with Y. Followed by "Treating me like I am your personal property will not be tolerated. Additionally, I will speak to my mother whenever I want to. CLICK." This is called laying boundaries.....and its something you need to learn to do so that you might have a healthier relationship with your family.
Have you been to Al Anon?