I hope I belong here ...
I am new to this forum and really praying for support and understanding . I am the granddaughter of a raging alcoholic . I am the daughter of an ACOA ( my dad ) . My 1st marriage was to an alcoholic and ended as a result of . I have been married for 30 years to an ACOA . I never knew any of this until the past 2 years . My husband was born to a 15 year old mother and was a mere 3 lbs . By the time she was 18, she had 2 more children and was viciously attack by my husband father and she ran for her life . He almost killed her . His little 3 year old son was in the room and witnessed the scene .. and that was the beginning of childhood trauma. He never saw his mother again, was raised by an evil alcoholic father and was sexually assaulted at age 9. He told me none of this .. he buried it and worked over 100 hours per week like a madman all of his adult life. Neither of us drink one single drop and never have... and yet, look at this disaster. He fell apart 2 years ago.. disintegrated into a stranger to me and 5 kids. He had a collapse physcologically , emotionally, spiritually / midlife crisis / buried and repressed trauma. He left the marriage, affair , quit a high paying job, abandoned kids .. just lost his life, his purpose .. HIMSELF. It was so devastating a shock that I would struggle to ever describe the damage . He was out of the house for 4 months ( I thru him out ) and begged to come home , was hospitalized and still we are trying to pick up thousands of pieces . Six months in to a very very shakey reconciliation , he was diagnosed with cancer and was indeed very sick. I nursed him thru that and marital issues had to wait . I have discovered a gambling issue was how he was self medicating and there is significant money missing . Sounds like an utter looser , this husband of mine , but I can assure you that he was none of those things . I loved him . He has deeply violated everything that I thought we were and I am struggling with PTSD . He has been in therapy consistently every week as he needs to know " how the hell I mentally crashed ". He has been told he has ACOA Trauma Syndrome, missed some vital developemental stages due to mother abandonement and severe abuse etc. It is a horrific mess he hid for all his adult life . He has been accountable , remorsefull and transparent about his affair ( with my "friend") .. however , being accountable for missing money seems too difficult for him. I am sorry, but it does not ring my sympathy bell, I am enraged to be deceived this way. I love him for the person he was .. now I just am so distraught and unable to move forward without accountability for his actions. Therapists say he cannot process self betrayal or guilt etc ... YET. I struggle with this incredibly. He has every characteristic of ACOA and absolutely is committed to change . What is happening here ? How do you love these very injured men? Why does he refuse to be transparent ? I hope I can find some help here .. I am so lost . It is all gone now and I see an end to this marriage if something or someone does not change . Ant comments or advised would be so appreciated .