I guess we stared dating late summer 2014. We moved in together a few months later. I know it's nobody's job to make me happy- but I thought that was one of the joys of a relationship- doing the little things that mean so much to your partner? I think I am done reading to him, and all the other things I do to make him feel special. I'm on my own, he's on his own. End of story. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days. I went out yesterday to stay away from him and let him do his thing and avoided him all day today. We are 2 separate ships sailing alone.
I guess as an abused kid I was forced to just be on my own so much from such an early age. I learned that nobody was concerned about my well being or happiness very, very early. I suppose I hoped that I could find that somewhere in life at least a little... it is a very hard life not to be cared for.
I thought I'd later at least be able to find someone who I could have a more meaningful dynamic with than simply a movie and sex partner. But I suppose that's all most people want and I'm a bit of a freak. But then I am kind of imaginative and creative at heart so I guess I really am a freak. I seek things others don't.
It's lonely, altogether to be an outsider. It isn't a choice for me. I wish I was more "normal". I know that being excluded and ostracized from a young age and for much of my life, and not being interested in the "boy girl" games that most seem to delight in has made me someone who wants something deeper, a real understanding. I think it is joyous to have something special between two people that only you can create. I feel so stupid.
I guess most people want just someone to be with physically and watch movies with, basically a body so they don't have to be alone?
Actually, come to think of it, this only happens with the males I have dated. I am starting to think this is an unfortunate consequence of gender. My experience- no offense guys- Id like nothing more than to meet a sensitive and intuitive male, I just have not some across one yet in many decades of meeting people.