May I ask how long you and your boyfriend have been together, sleepie? My previous long relationship (many years ago now) became like that very quickly after we moved in together and it astonished me that we went from intense dating phase to routine cohabiting almost overnight. I felt cheated and resentful. I used to blow up in rage over small things or keep it bottled up inside and like you felt like I was dying inside. There was other not healthy stuff going on in that relationship but I essentially had to learn emotional independence before I became happy again. After a couple of years of that I realised it was simply his personality. I did some anger management work on myself, lots of self-help reading, and eventually took a job in Sydney (we were living in Melbourne so became long distance). In Sydney I used to take endless long walks on my own. I know well Steely's favourite spot in Kurraba Point that she once mentioned. I used to walk and walk and think. It was the beginning of the end for us.
The lesson I learned on my long walks was that one cannot look to someone else to make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, I decided.
That really was the start of my emotional development journey that of course has continued into lots more including sobriety and I hope to further emotional and spiritual learning.
Now my journey back to Melbourne became more real yesterday. A human resources person called me from our Melbourne office to prepare an "integration" plan for my return. It's happening. I'm excited and can see the wheels will turn quickly now. I'm going home a completely new person from when I started out many years ago. Not quite Homerian but it's been an odyssey for me nonetheless
