sleepie

What I used to do, on Mother's Day was go out and enjoy myself at the bar and ignore the day, or tell myself I was celebrating another year having survived her. She is undiagnosed mentally ill, likely borderline personality, a sadist and I would not be surprised if she is a sociopath.

So, what to do for those of us who had not a mother, or a father, but abusers instead? Abusers were not, are not and never will be sorry for what they did, who would do it again?

This is a death, this kind of loss. I "lost" both my parents years and years ago in the sense that I never had parents to begin with- and lost so much more because of the many kinds of abuse I was forced to endure. It is profound, lasting and ever revealing how I was affected by my abuse. It is different than the literal loss of a parent or other kinds of abuse- because it is unacceptable to mention, it will make others uncomfortable. And the twisted edge in this silence that survivor's often keep about what was done to them implies complicity with the actions of their abusers, to the great satisfaction of their abusers. The perfect crime. How insane is that? What mental anguish it causes.

Often, abuse survivors are expected to suffer in silence, to be deeply affected in ways that are revealed only with time, awakening more sadness, more mourning, more loss and more "work" to do instead of simply living life. Any mention of parental abuse is often met with "Get your head out of the past" or "You aren't with them anymore" kind of remarks. It simply makes others too uncomfortable to hear of it, or maybe they simply cannot relate and are bored with it- either way it equates to more loss and alienation on the survivor's part.

Surviving abuse is an ongoing loss with many facets. It is not as cut and dry a simply excising the events from one's memory or acknowledgement. But often, we are not sympathized with, we are not understood and we carry it all too often in stride, with a smile on our face, as we are expected to or we pay dearly.

And so we drink.

Mother's Day. I went "No Contact" with mine many years ago, and it was one of the single wisest decisions I ever made. It was the only thing I ever truly decided for myself, and gave to myself. That one act. I am scolded for this and made to pay in various ways, socially- "You only have one set of parents" etc. if the subject is brought up. Or, I become suspect- "What did she do to get disowned" if I politely mention I am not close with my parents- when in fact it is the other way around. For some reason parents are still blameless, ultimately, even when they commit acts on their children that would land them in hand cuff's if they were acted upon an adult.

What to do fellow survivor's, what to do? I don't like the day, I have nothing to honor.