ZoeZim

Hi All

I am halfway through my second sober day. I have been in and out of the AA rooms for many years, but always seem to go back to the demon drink. My drinking has become progressively worse over the years and I was up to a full bottle of vodka most days. I have also been dabbling with coke in the recent years. I am desperate to recover. I feel totally powerless over my addictions.

Last week I ended up in a very bad position for several days due to drink and drugs. A man I thought was my friend came to visit armed with vodka and drugs with the sole intention of getting me drunk and high. The obvious happened and I regret it with all my heart. I have ended up hurting the man I love because of this latest episode. However, the man I love is also a self confessed alcoholic and I think we were just feeding each others problems. Almost encouraging each other to drink in order to feel better about ourselves. Which is unhealthy in itself. I do miss him terribly. But maybe better to stay away for now. He won't even speak to me anyway.

However, I decided that I am going to end up dead from this disease of alcoholism and I don't want to die. I have too much to live for. I have a beautiful child who I love with all my heart and I have my whole life ahead of me, as long as I can stop.

I made the call to an old friend and he has helped me so much over the last couple of days. Tonight I am struggling. I live alone. I am anxious, lonely, shaky, clammy, can't sleep, when I do the nightmares set in. I know I have a HUGE long way to go, and I don't know if I can do it. I am feeling so nervous and worried. I know its a physical withdrawal but it is so tough. I am so desperate to get well again and start to actually LIVE instead of just existing for the next drink.

Any ideas or just encouragement?

Zoe