Hi Jenny,
I just joined the website today, and happened upon some of your thoughts. Although the circumstances are different, I completely recognize the struggle, chaos, anxiety, and pain you experience. I've been trying to learn and heal from all the pain since I left for college in 1998. Little did I know it was a very long and frustrating process! There is so much to say, but I think the most important thing I want to say involves your marriage. I too insisted my husband not say anything to my parents regarding them being "nuts." (Not a clinical diagnosis, but pretty accurate!) I put up with a lot, while thinking I was standing my ground. My husband respected my wishes and zipped his lips when many times he wanted to confront them. That took a toll on both of us- I developed a chronic illness, and his health and happiness suffered too. It took several years to realize that by my being involved with my family still, so is he. If we had kids, they would be too. I don't have a right to ask my husband not to express his feelings towards my parents. I don't have a right to conciously spend time with my parents, thus forcing him too, and censoring what he says. If he is upset, he has every right to express his feelings, and by my preventing that, I am only continuing the very lesson they taught me years ago- you don't have a right to your feelings. Of course I don't want him to swear and flip out, and I trust he won't. But when the time comes and he feels like telling them to go fly a kite, although it will be hard, I will respect the fact that he has a right to do that. Your husband has every right to do the same, as your parents are not only hurting you, but your husband and your children as well. I know from your messages you are considering removing them from your life entirely. So am I. (Not your family, mine. Ha...ha...) Some members of my family already removed me from their lives- which at the time I was very hurt, but now I realize I should send them a thank you note for doing what I should have done myself. Them being removed from my life has allowed me to breath a little more easier, and be more sincere. No more pretending that they love me, no more pretending that I like them. My parents, on the other hand, are still around. I live too close to them, and plan to relocate as soon as we can afford to do so. (Here's a little irony- after college I moved far away, but then eventually got pulled back, even when I knew better.) My psychologist insists that once we create more space, it'll be easier to pick and choose what I want to participate with, if anything. She has urged me to spend time with my parents only in controlled environments, such as restaurants, movie theaters, etc. Perhaps you can use that advice as well. I know I am not a counselor myself, but I strongly urge you to not house your family any longer. If they come for a visit recommend a hotel, etc. However, due to the fact your mother is now manipulating your kids and trying to paint you as the bad guy, I'd give serious thought to terminating the relationship. You don't deserve that abuse, and it's so incredibly unhealthy for your kids to be around it. Plus, the anxiety it creates for you is also unhealthy for your kids. They deserve your love and full attention- not your family. (A lesson I'm still trying to learn.) You can choose to be a glutton for punishment for yourself, but you have an obligation to protect your husband, and especially your children. I love my grandmother dearly, but she was involved in the family circus as I was growing up, and I was closer to her then my mother. This created so much turmoil and resentment. It's a game your family is playing, and although you are trying so hard and are so courageous for all you've done so far, you are still participating. Have your kids send them cards for the holidays, call them on their birthdays, but the first sign of the abuse, you must protect yourself and family and terminate even those small gestures. I know it is so much easier said than done, and I don't mean to be a know it all. You and I, and every other acoa, share in the pain of our experiences. We each have a right to our own life. We were all dealt a crappy hand when we came into this world, but we do have the power to take control of our lives and live the life that we want, not the one that was dictated to us- even if all those surrounding us tell us we can't. By developing a crhonic illness my own body forced me into facing the fact that although I did grown and learn quite a bit already, there was so much learning and healing I had left to do. My illness forced me to confront things I never knew existed, and pushed me to do things I may never have had the courage to do while "healthy." For years I thought my illness was the worse thing that ever happened to me, while now I also realize that it may have also been the best thing that ever happened to me.