Going the distance
I work with someone who just ran her second Boston Marathon. She does well for her age group. I have immense respect for her. When I worked with her back in 2007 she was overweight and rather unhealthy looking. Today she is fit and clearly a runner.
As we did our usual walk around the campus and kibitzing, I asked what was going though her head as she was running that allows you to keep going. How people overcome the mental aspect of any challenge is of great interest to me. I believe we can all do way more than we think if we think it. Sobriety is no exception.
I expected a story of how she was at the last few miles and she could barely stand it. I was surprised at what she shared.
Well, she said, I started and knew I was not where I wanted to be. The first mile I was in a pack so I thought, great! They will keep me from going too fast and burning out too soon. That took me another few miles. Then things opened up and I was really thinking why am I doing this? I don't have to do this. No one would blame me if I stopped. I can just quite now and everything will be ok. She said she went back and forth in her head for the next 6 miles.
Meanwhile I am thinking to myself... you had such terrible self doubt and feeling like quitting from the second mile yet you kept going for another 24 miles?!?
She continued about the awful fight in her head. That it made more sense to keep going while this all was debated. She told me what other choice did she have at that moment. Well one big choice, you could stop running I said. But that's not how she thinks.
Then she said she thought about the end of the race. She bought the Boston Marathon jacket already. Well I cannot wear the jacket if I don't run the race she said. And there is the medal. Not a huge prize but one she wanted none the less. So she played her tape forward.
I was quick to remind her, her young daughter waiting to see her thinks she's got a rock star mom running like this and accomplishing what she starts. She winced at that comment but I guess accepted the end result anyway.
It was a great invigorating conversation. She reminded me that going the distance is a choice. That those of us that falter, or stop running don't want the prize any less. Perhaps we just forget to keep running forward when things get crazy in our heads. What other choice do we have really? Play that tape forward. See the next sober morning on the horizon and head towards it.
K