Back to vent - don't mind me......
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Thanks for posting this Firesprite. Are there any 70+ who get sober? In a way I would think it is almost physically impossible.
I remember an uncle who was an M.D. suggesting that a hospitalized aging alcoholic be but on a vodka IV.
I have no idea. I have to believe in the
possibility, but I'm certainly not running across all kinds of hopeful stories. The conditions for recovery remain the same regardless of age - the person has to WANT it. After decades of drinking, the denial & resistance I'm seeing are more intense than ever.
The last few weeks have been a nightmare of ups & downs. Well, more like downs & then some quiet days thrown in which we misinterpret as "up" if we're not careful.
After a week of debates & discussions he ended up drinking himself into a semi-coma & ending up in the hospital. Between you all & me, I believe he tried to starve/dehydrate himself into dying faster & instead landed himself in the hospital for a few days. I've had to have very, very frank conversations with his advisers & went so far as to print & explain copies of the addiction spiral for them so they could see the bigger picture of all of this better. I gave them my 2 cents which was -
stop focusing on trying to get him dry & start focusing on how to make/stretch his remaining money to work best for his life situation ....because he still refuses to consider quitting. What transpired is the same story you all know:
He was saying all kinds of conflicting things to each person.
Anyone with any kind of enabling tendency rallies around his poor, forgotten soul & starts throwing all of their energy into his care. (in his case, 1 neighbor & his part-time caretaker were completely under the spell, neither have any prior experience with addiction)
They believe they are being compassionate & that the rest of us are just letting this man rot away without concern.
He's making calls to estranged family & shaking that tree but not really looking for anything except someone else to suck into the drama.
They also believe that his HEALTH is the primary problem & do not want to believe me at first when I point out that No, it's just the squeaky wheel...... neighbor lady had me on the phone demanding to know at what point someone was just going to call hospice & was pretty shocked to hear that we are SO far from that point just yet. That this is just his body giving out in a lot of ongoing, smaller ways due to his drinking. He has NO diagnosis of any one specific ailment because everything wrong with him traces back to alcohol.... these are not independent issues. And what she wasn't seeing was him running behind his caregiver's back & cancelling medical appts as fast as she was making them - he refuses medical treatment until he has a crisis.
I've gotten permission from Boss to be a bit more forward with the complaints - so instead of biting my tongue I can point out that while he told you this, are you aware that he told so&so that? Or that he called me himself later that same day & said something altogether different? When I told you to make him sign a receipt that he gave you permission to drive his car, you thought I was kidding until he claimed to have no memory of such a thing & was angry that it had happened. Yes, you have to do this Every. Time. It. Comes. Up. It's still sensitive - they can call & demand & lambast me but I still have a responsibility to his privacy & often have to hold my tongue until the "right" moment finally arrives. (like, he says it first, lol)
They start to see the lies, the manipulations, the poor-me-poor-me-pour-me-another-drink dynamic & start listening about setting boundaries & covering themselves for liability.
He was hospitalized for close to a week & was pretty much in a blackout/detox state for the first 3 days or so. He was agreeable & in pain & contrite (of course) and it fooled everyone into thinking, Yep, that's it! He's GOT IT NOW. Bosslady was
so smug about getting Control of the situation & issuing all her ultimatums. She was determined to make. him. see. I mean, how could he not? Look at the condition he's in! No way someone can NOT see this!
I warned them that this moment would pass as soon as he sobered up. They really, really believed that they had convinced him to go to rehab following the hospital & thought I was nuts because he'd not officially had a drink in a couple of days. I held firm- this is NOT sobriety, this is simply a "moment" when the physical pain outweighs the emotional temporarily. As soon as it recedes, I said, he'll recant everything & none of you can do anything about it because he IS of sound mind, capable of acting on his own behalf.
And he did. Of course. You all knew that.
Red said it very well:
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I think there is regret. Its ok until its not, and yes I think they get very frightened when their body starts going haywire. I think perhaps at that time they wish they had quit, but feel the damage has been done - just another reason to keep on.. These late stage alcoholics spend their lives numbing themselves, but they can't numb the death. Its painful, horrible and scary.
I think he's back & forth & that these moments of regret come & go depending on his level of intoxication. He had some romantic image in his head of him drinking himself to sleep & just not waking up. Reality is that dying via alcohol is a long, slow, agonizing, paranoid & scary way to die.
In fact, he didn't even make it through the admissions process of the rehab facility. Mind you - this is PHYSICAL rehab guys, not addiction/detox.... he excused himself, found a phone & called a cab to pick him up after about 2-3 hours. Gets into a terrible argument with his Guardian/POA.
Hmmmmm..... I say, isn't that about when the final dose of "whatever" they were giving him at the hospital would have worn off? Ugh, they didn't think of that. Everyone scrambles to follow behind his destructive lead to the extent that we have to, setting up home visits, etc. Boss is shocked & dismayed to find him among empty wine bottles the next afternoon. More shocked to realize he has NO memory of their meetings while he was in the hospital even though he'd not had alcohol for a couple of days by that point.
Does no one listen?
At least she took my advice & asked our attorney to draw up a letter for him to sign, releasing us of liability due to his refusal to follow the advice he's paying us for. He'll sign it this week for us, the Guardian, the home health agency. This way none of his estranged relatives can come back & accuse us of, well, anything really.
Yesterday he called us to badmouth his Guardian & I told him that I disagree completely & it infuriated him so he hung up on me. Whatevs. I'm not validating his poor opinion just to make him feel better, he knows better than to call me if he's just needing a Yes Man.
It has also led to some interesting convo's with RAH, but all in all, I am SO happy to have a well-established recovery on my side to make this easier to deal with. I could have never guessed I would be putting my recovery to work so hard AT work!