daughter08

Okay, so I'm 19 and in college and I live at home with my parents. My father has been what people call a "functional" alcoholic for about 10 years now- drinks on weekends, takes a huge nap, and it's back to normal- good job, good income, everything's fine. Lately it seems to deteriorate. First he wouldn't be drunk in front of me or my mother, or show up drunk to babysit my niece- now he does it anyways. He got a DUI a year ago and got his license revoked for a year. He's never acted violently, he just kind of slouches off and sleeps it off. A couple of months ago he ended up in the hospital overnight for alcohol withdrawal. His dad was also an alcoholic that died from a mix of causes including cirrhosis of the liver. Anyways, he drinks like that maybe once a month, sometimes more often, sometimes less.

I just feel very betrayed and upset. I've been coping and compartmentalizing this for years. Every time he does it it's like a slap in the face to me and my mom, yet if I openly say anything everyone acts like I'm the *******. He's refused family therapy and any sort of help. Our family looks good from the outside- my parents are two middle-class professionals, I'm a good student, have a social life, a career path, all that. I can't really share this with anyone that I know though, because I feel so embarassed. My best friend is part of the same ethnic community as me and I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I'm afraid rumours will spread, even though people kind of suspect already. The problem is that in our culture it's seen as kind of normal for men to drink heavily, and as long as the rest of the time they're caring and provide and stuff we're just supposed to suck it up and shut up.

I've been repressing all of this like crazy, trying not to notice, trying not to care, and it's hard because my family acts like it's not a big deal, like it's a tiny flaw in a great man, and either I move out and criticize or I stay (I really can't put enough hours at work to afford my own place and all that) and be a good daughter. My sister basically told me "but what does it change in your life anyways?" except she was old enough to be out of the house when this started happening. I basically don't have someone I can trust or even someone I can respect for a father. I have a therapist that I talk to about this. I react in immature ways and lash out at my dad because I don't confront him (I blasted rap music last time he was drunk and asleep. Another time, I suspected that he lost the key to my bike lock when he was drunk- I made such a big fuss out of it that he got mad and sawed off the bike lock and replaced it with a new one that isn't as good, so I demanded that he go buy me a good lock). The furthest I've gone to confront him is saying things like "oh well he's been drinking" in front of him, or "STOP DRINKING YOU'RE INSANE" when LockGate happened. I also feel uncomfortable giving him affection- he's a very closed-off man and seems to only be comfortable with hugs when he's drunk or in really intense family moments).

Basically, I know I'm being bratty. I just have no idea what is "the right thing" to say or to do in these situations. Confronting him obviously doesn't work. When I try to say something to my family, it's all about how great he is the rest of the time and everything he does for me. Except it's not enough, and I just need him to be normal and he refuses to be and it feels so personal.

Please give me any advice on how to deal with all of this. I just have no idea and I really want to live with a healthier mindset. Please don't suggest praying or anything because I am a staunch atheist, although I have tried just taking walks and my therapist has recommended meditation.

Also, any advice on how to act when he is drunk, or after ?
Thank you, sorry it's such a long post, I just have no one to talk to that can relate.