Magichappens

I grew up with an unrecovered Alanon with abandonment and anger issues, and a manipulative controling abuser. There was no active alcoholism in my immediate family, but the more I recover, the more I realize that our family was just as sick and crazy. I have been able, through working the 12 steps, to let go of the anger I had for my mom. She suffered terribly as a child when her alcoholic father abandoned them to start another family. I understand now that the pain is so intolerable, that she can't face dealing with it.

My father was raised by a controling, manipulative woman, and a man who had very conservative values. I have suspected for a long time that my father, raised Catholic, has secrets that he feels he can't reveal. I won't go into detail, because it's not my place. Suffice it to say, my brother and I inherited our crazy from generations of crazy.

I am the family scapegoat. It took me years to understand that no matter what I achieved, no matter how successful I became, no matter how much I tried to make them respect and appreciate me, they can't. I started no contact about a year and a half ago. The simple fact is, they can push my buttons and I become a tormented child who can't function.

For the good of myself, my husband, and themI stopped trying. I have been punishing them for years for not being who I need them to be.

The crazy thing is, when I no longer focused on my father abusing and manipulating me, the rage and shame manifested toward my husband. He is a recovered alcoholic, a staunch advocate for Alanon, and a great husband. Though not perfect by any means, he does not deserve any abuse from me or anyone else (my family has treated him with much disrespect). Before things got out of hand, I decided to get counseling for my rage.

It is really strange to tell anyone, or even admit to myself, that I have rage. Anger was not tolerated in our home when I was a child. My mother repressed her anger and rage, and taught us to do the same. I never saw my parents fight. They never said a word in anger to each other. But there was an undercurrent that was always present and fighting became the art of killing with kindness, gossip, false niceness and so on. From the outside, we looked like the perfect family. My friends would tell me they loved my parents, and wished theirs were the same. I never openly disagreed, but they didn't know the truth. Emotional abuse, neglect, rejection, unattainable standards, disdain, punishment, and physical and psychological abuse.

I still love my parents. I have come a long way to forgiving them and even empathizing with them. But I still can't be around them. They have my brother (hostage, haha). He is the "favorite". The one who isn't a problem. The one who "needs their help". I doubt he will ever be able to be free from his dependency on them. I used to be jealous of him because I thought they loved him more. Now I know that he is what holds them together. Without me, and without him, they would have only themselves to focus on. I feel sorry for my sister-in-law and my niece, who I hardly know because of all this. Someone had to replace my role in the family as the scapegoat. They have to have one. It's part of the deal.

I am open to the idea that possibly this counseling and more step work might bring me to a place where I can be around them, and not fall apart. Until then, I am really ok with NC. To surrender, to quit fighting that losing battle, has been one of the best things I could ever do. It has taken me 48 years to figure that out.

I know this post is long. I hope I didn't ramble. I just wanted to tell someone my experience with NC and my family. Thanks for starting this thread, and thanks for letting me share. Magic