Hello everyone,
This is very very long...................
I will introduce my self.
I am a single mother. Divorced. I do not smoke or drink regularly or do drugs. I work for a government agency that provides help and assistance to those in need. I lead a relatively calm life.
There is so much to say I don't know where to start. So I think I will give you a quick run down of the last 6 years of my life. Which has me completely frazzled and feeling pretty wrecked to my core.
2010 my sister committed suicide. She was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and smoked marijuana on a daily basis since she was in her early teens. She drank plenty as well but this was not her main drug of choice. Not sure if her mental disorder was brought on by the marijuana use or if her smoking and drinking was just a way of self medicating (probably both) either way she ended her life by taking prescription drugs, marijuana and alcohol. It was a tragedy to say the least. She was a very successful women who owned her own business. She was highly intelligent, extremely artistic, very witty and naturally pretty. (and I'm not just saying that...lol.. she really was all those things) I've had 4 years of therapy to come to terms with her loss. I learned a lot about mental health issues and self medication and how the two spiral out of control if the underlying issue is not dealt with properly.
Since her passing I sometimes feel like the gates of hell opened up in my life... really scary and crazy things have happened since.
I will need to make this brief as each story is a novel on its own.
But since the death of my sister this is how my life went....
(no exaggeration here... if anything I have to leave out plenty in order to not have this blow out.
2010 (Dec 21st) - my sister dies- I travel home to NY, USA (I live in Australia for last 18 years) I spend time with my family and start the grieving process.
2011- I arrive back in Australia after 5 weeks with my family. My neighbour is in a crisis of her own (her husband left her unexpectedly). I was never friends with her just always neighbourly. To make this very short... she leaned on me (or tried to ) and in the process became fixated and obsessed with me. It was horrible, scary and a very unstable situation. She had two very young children. Lots of scary things happened. (I seriously should write a book about it) In the end I had to move. The police were involved many times as she started to get very spiteful and crazy towards me because I started to reject her as I slowly realised she was extremely unwell. (after she bought all the same furniture as what was in my home (I mean everything) she followed me places (even and hour drive away). I would come home from work and she would be sitting on my driveway, we were held hostage in our home because she wouldn't leave my front door (the police to an hour to get there)... etc... anyway the local Mental Health team finally got involved and assessed her with a Mental Health disorder and protected the children from her (that took a looong time) as scared as I was, I was more concerned for her small children in her care. (there is so much to this story) so, I moved to a lovely new home in the next town (for the record she up and moved there as well)... straight out of a horror movie. (but it is in the past now.. ) It went on for about a year gradually getting worse and worse. During this whole time I was in deep grief for my sister and still dealing with and trying to cope with a long and drawn out divorce from my husband... it was real crazy town...
2012ish - I am just settling into my new home and feeling somewhat safe (the police were very kind and informed me that my neighbour will be getting treatment and they suspect she may be also self medicating) but, then I get a text message from a girlfriend about one month after moving in to this place. (she lived around the corner at the time). She told me that she was struggling with DV from a boyfriend and she needed a friend as she is getting out of the situation. (prior to this I knew she left her husband- who adored her and she ran off with a guy who was a heavy drinker but I didn't know was violent) I was very surprised by this and didn't know she was going through this. Of course I would see her and try and be supportive. She asked a lot of me... but I did my best to be there and be supportive. (she also has children)
To make this story short as well. She was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and tried to kill herself. I visited her in hospital many times and did what I could. She was doing very well when she came out and was cleaning up her life so to speak... She had admitted that she was drinking heavily still and was using Meth prior to her time in hospital. I could not believe it.. never would I have thought she would do that. She is a wonderful person and she also had an amazing job and family. Anyway... she asked me to go out to a function with her one night. (it was a nice event) and she said she really needed a friend. So I go with her. She started drinking a lot and then went to the bathroom. (I believe now she may have taken Meth because of what happened next) It was time to go home (I was driving) she completely changed and started to rage in the car when I was taking her home. She called her XH and started to abuse him and then yell at me. I got her home quickly and made sure she got in o.k. She seemed to have calmed a lot and I asked her is she wanted me to call anyone to stay with her. (I couldn't) She said no and I went to use the bathroom. While in the bathroom she self harmed severely and I walked out into another horror movie. Long story short I got the police there and ambulance and she spent more time in hospital. This cycle has repeated itself many times since but I know not to put myself in a dangerous situation again and I never have since that night.
2013-14 Not a bad year... but still coming down from all the stressors and creating calm in my home and life.
2015- After years and years of not being with anyone romantically I meet a guy and start a relationship... It moved slowly at first but then very quickly. I started to think something was up as he never wanted to go out anywhere after about 7pm and would frequently stay home. He would cancel plans at the last minute etc. We bonded nicely and were having fun but I still had a feeling that something wasn't right but I was enjoying the attention so much and loved having a 'partner' again. Slowly but surely I realised he was drinking a bit and in the back of my mind wondered if this was why he didn't want to go out at night. Well things sped along and he revealed he had $ problems. One thing led to another and he moved in with me. (talk about moving quickly!!) It became extremely obvious that he was an alcoholic when he lived with me. He drank every night... lots and lots of wine... tried to switch to beer then back to wine. He would get these huge casts of wine and nearly finish one a night. never seen anything like it
He was a loving and funny drunk and I really loved him but could not cope with that. I became very anxious. My son noticed his drinking and mentioned it to me more than once. I felt horrible.
I got a call from home. My father was gravely ill. (I knew he was very unwell and he had congestive heart failure and now liver and kidney failure...he was dying) I took my son and went home again and spent my father's last week with him and my family. The doctors kept asking him if he was a heavy drinker. He always said no but he liked a drink. (I had to wonder if he was in fact a heavy drinker... but kept it hidden) I was a mess from everything. I arrived home to my XABF saying he has no interest in intimacy any more and is feeling horribly depressed and the death of my father brought up all unresolved grief from the death of his father... I was like are you kidding me?... you are going to do this now? (He has had issues with sex - impotency frequently and now I know its due to drinking- he kept saying stress...) He did not grieve with me or support me during this time. He showed a very selfish side and we argued. He and his brother are both alcoholics (actually there is this drinking culture in his family- his father was an alcoholic )and his brother likes to gamble on top of it. One night they went out and my XABF lent his brother $200 to gamble with (our $- my $!) that was it and he moved out. I sold the car I bought him (for us) and took a break. We got back together for another go around and things were ok. but the drinking was still very bad and I encouraged him to take Naltrexone prescribed from the Dr. He would never take it. Made promise after promise after promise.. he took and took and took from me. Never gave much in return including his time. Our relationship turned into I guess a sort of friends with benefits over time. Then when I started to stop enabling him so much he would withhold sex. (Not that I ever really pushed for it) but he would make sure I knew he controlled that area of our relationship. I told him I had enough of the mind games after a number of incidences and we should go no contact as I need to separate myself from him. He was angry and tried to humiliate me on Facebook.... really?? He's in his 50's. It was awful and embarrassing but I forgave him... (because he was drinking when he did it- yeah I am that ridiculous) I have seen a side to him I am glad I have escaped from. He was getting angry frequently and I think he was violent once with his x wife according to a family member who told me a little something... I dodged a bullet but boy I feel very grazed by it... not doing very well and missing his company. Being without a partner for such a long time and then this crap... I kept rationalising that its better than nothing.... Amazing how gradually self esteem gets chip away until there is not much left... We do not talk regularly at this point but he wants to be best friends... I don't think so... no... but I feel vulnerable and would like to see him. So many plans down the drain... time wasted.
I feel drained an exhausted from the last 6 years and I sit here saying WTF ... but I've managed to raise my son, keep a great job, get up, get dressed and keep putting one foot in front of the other, .... some days not so easily but those days I ask God to move my feet.
I have learned so much through every traumatic relationship/event. I have learned that Mental illness frequently gets covered up by substance abuse and the person is as much a victim of their illness as are those they distress or abuse. I understand they are my decisions and choice to stay or leave. Whether that be a friendship or a lover (I am lucky I am not married or have children to him) my decision is much much easier than others. I completely understand why some can not leave or decide to stay. It is complex and not as straight forward as some would like to believe and I can see that clearly from this site. I've learned to love but not get emeshed with the person so much that I forget myself , my needs, my wants, desires and my right and my childs right to safety.
I've had counselling for all of this except my XABF... I think with the help of SR I have found an endless bucket of wisdom, help and self discovery. I will still be looking for support here to maintain my limited or no contact with my XABH as I feel sometimes powerless to his spell...
Thank you to everyone on SR for your courage, advise and such care. x
P.s I've just completed my diploma of counselling and would like to take further study to become an Alcohol and drug counsellor. I feel like I have heaps of life experience behind me now! but need further training...