Hi Jaguar. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. You talk about it not really being him talking, but his alcoholism. Unfortunately, when someone is an active alcoholic, that IS who they are. There is no differentiating between the non-alcoholic and the alcoholic. They are one in the same.
Now, you ask how you can show him respect. The way you do that is to realize that you have no right to control him. He is an adult and is free to make his own decisions. It's not your place to tell him what he is doing is right or wrong. But IT IS your place to decide if you want to be around this type of behavior. This is referred to as detaching with love.
As far as his not remembering things the way you do, you need to remember that the way alcoholics think is not rational. Trying to reason with them is futile. And again, it comes down to you deciding whether or not you want to waste your energy and sanity on trying to reason with him.
As for him resenting you, I think that is common in alcoholic relationships. I know it is the case with me and my STBXAH. He has done horrible things to me over the course of our 13 year period. But all he sees is that I've tried to control him and have accused him of being an alcoholic and have tried to be his "mother." Resentment grows from both sides, which obviously makes it difficult to have a healthy adult relationship.
In your last sentence, you allude to being the victim, but you admit it's a result of the way you dealt with his abuse. I think you've hit the nail on the head here. One thing I've learned in my recovery from codependency is that if I am feeling like the victim, most of the time it's because I have not set proper boundaries. I.e., I allowed him to treat me in an unacceptable manner and I just kept accepting it.
Have you tried Al-Anon? I think you'd greatly benefit from it. Hugs.