The memories that were never there...feeling stuck
I spoke with my therapist about this today. A lot of the anxiety I'm feeling in sobriety stems from my trying to remember stuff that I did in a blackout. There are hours of some nights that memories do not exist for, because I was blacked out. I try to remember things I said and did but end up filling the blanks with some pretty horrible stuff. The not knowing exactly what I said and did causes me so much anxiety and paranoia. I still think of my last blackout two months ago and cringe, not because I did anything horrible, but because I don't KNOW what I did. I could have acted "normal" (acting like a silly fool/sloppy) but I also could have not acted normal. I simply don't know. I could never bring myself to ask anyone either--too ashamed. Worst were the "brown outs" where I'd remember a few minutes here and there. Trying to piece together a night out led me to a lot of self hate and depression. Even nights drinking home alone I would blackout and wake up the next morning with the same feeling. Despair.
This is something I'm going to focus on working on first and foremost. "Letting go", so to speak, of the "what ifs". I know if I did anything horrible that it would have gotten back to me. It is very hard though. It seems like it will always be there gnawing at me. It is making me feel stuck.
How were you able to "let go" of all those situations that you can't remember? My therapist is wonderful and I think she is going to really help me with this, but I would love to hear from all of you.
One comforting thing is that I won't have to worry about this anymore because I don't drink so I will not blackout.