Carousal

Hello Sober Recovery,

It has taken some time for me to build up the courage to be here.

I am a binge drinker, more than a couple of times a week I drink to get away from it all.

It wasn't always this way. Well, it was to a degree. I used to have a binge on weekends for a a bit of fun. I've never been able to have just 'a few'. If I wasn't driving I had to get buzzed, more than buzzed actually, it is always all or nothing.

Over the past couple of years it has progressed. From weekends to weekends plus Tuesday. I don't know why Tuesday but it just seems to happen then.

My wife and I have 2 children, both are on the Autism Spectrum. As many of you may know having a child on the spectrum can be challenging. We have 2.

I don't want to say that this is the reason for my extra drinking over the past couple of years but it is a major contributor.

Excuses, excuses. I know, I know.

We live in a regional town a long way from family and friends. About 7 hours drive from them if we don't stop. So we have no babysitters, no support, not even a chance to see a movie until we are back visiting family.

With 2 special needs kids and nowhere to go and no-one to see I have taken to having 'a couple' of drinks once the kids have gone to sleep.

You see, that is a moment to celebrate. It is so hard to raise them and make sure they are safe that when they are down I have to have a drink to calm my nerves or 'celebrate' them as I just mentioned.

Before you ask, we are planning the big move back to them all. I am self employed and business has come to a standstill. Not drinking related but we have decided that we need to get back to family even if we are going broke.

Both my wife and I know that we are drinking too much. My wife is an angel. She takes care of the boys every day and I just poke at a keyboard. She thinks that she is drinking too much, but she isn't. I am.

I am a big bloke, always have been. I used to be just big and brawny but now am big, brawny and fat. So when I drink it isn't a six pack, it is 20.

And I can't drink less. I may only drink 3 - 4 times a week but it is a lot of beer. Or wine, or champagne, or whatever. I have never tried to measure in standard drinks but at a guess I would say I would never have less than 20 standard drinks in a session.

15 years ago that would be a boast.

Today it breaks my heart.

I need to get this under control before we move back to family. They have no idea.

I love my kids and I love my wife. They are so precious to me and I don't want to leave them or let them down but I am on a path that will do both.

Several times I have abstained for a few days but I want to be able to go without drink for good.

But I don't know how.

Being so isolated with my family, having a drink is what my wife and I do for fun. We can't go out as the children can be difficult. The youngest can't stop moving and is impervious to danger. If he hurts himself he doesn't learn and will do the same stunt over and over again.

So we are stuck at home nearly all the time and so I drink. I drink to pass time, to 'have fun with my wife' and to escape. Escape is my biggest problem.

My children are the best part of me, yet as soon as they are asleep I want to vacate. Business is bad, kids are hard and I want to be someplace else.

Which leads me to here.

I want to be present, I want to be a great father and husband. So it is time to stop hiding. Time to be the person I want to be and that my family deserves.

My username means 'a noisy or drunken feast' which is what my dyas drink are but it also means 'Can be confused'

I am the latter. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. It has been going on along time. Not to the same degree as now but I do know that most of my memories over the past 20 years have been when I was drinking.

Time to change.

I am so sorry that this has been so long. I could keep going but I think my story has been told many times over.

Thanks for reading.

Carousal.