I'm trying
I have 6 months clean which is the longest time I've ever has in my life. I have a home group, I have a service commitment, I go to at least one meeting a day I'm in individual therapy and IOP and on anti-depressants and work with my sponsor twice a week and and just finished my 5th step. And I am still so unhappy, still miss getting high and not dealing with this crippling mental pain I deal with on a daily basis. Still feel like I need something outside of myself to feel good. I am a willing participant in 13th stepping just so I can try and feel something different, I am so scared I want recovery I really do I know my higher power has plans for me and has restored me to sanity in the sense that I try not to entertain the notion of using, but I just want the pain to stop. When I play the tape thru I see the pain and the destruction it will cause so why is it still tempting, why can't I just feel good? I'm totally in my victim and it scares me bc that is where I relapse