Hello there (hug)
Some of us don't make it on the first attempt, so hang in there!
The problem with alcohol (if you are like me) is that it's never just one ..... I sit and fight and then .... well just one.... but it never is ... its more.
The scary part is that there might not be a tomorrow. I know that may sound crazy to you right now, but it is true.
Even without alcohol in your house, if you are walking 5 hours???? to get home .... The possibility of your being in danger from so many things is so large!
I really do struggle with this as you are. I'm only a little time sober this time... but really realizing the consequences we may have and then being able to push forward to something different is very hard.
I've been to places I never thought I would be and I hope you won't go there. I kinda think that us alkies tend to think it won't be or get that bad .... the reality is you will sink to lower places than you ever thought you would if you continue to drink.
The bright side is that there is hope. If you can make a determination to stay sober. If you build a support system. If you seek help for all your problems (drinking, trauma, mental health issues, physical problems) You do have a chance. So many of the people here have done it. If you failed to meet your goal today, it doesn't mean you can't do this! And it doesn't mean you are a failure.
I still hold fast to something I heard 20 years ago ... a winner is a loser who never stops trying. It's not an excuse! Its that you always get back up and put your whole effort into things again.
I will be thinking of you tonight!