I hear you, and my last posts really aren't about religion; they are about the consequences of teaching people they are insane and have character defects.
I'm just thinking aloud here, but it occurs to me this is not so much about me as it is about helping others with addictions. The conversation reminds me of my mom. She was an alcoholic. Her life was manageable in that she could hold down a job and be responsible and didn't have legal or financial problems due to her addiction. She was lonely, depressed, and in physical pain from injuries sustained in a car accident, and when her kids feared the health effects of her excessive drinking we talked her into attending a program. She detoxed and went to a few meetings and decided she wasn't an alcoholic, and started drinking again. The 12 Steps convinced her she wasn't an alcoholic because her life actually was manageable. She needed help with depression, no doubt, and physical therapy.
So, instead of arresting the addiction BEFORE her life became unmanageable, she drank for another 15 years until her health got so bad her life was unmanageable. And then she died at 58.
I remembered that, so when I went from "a guy that just liked to party" into a miserable drunk, I stopped drinking BEFORE my life became unmanageable. This seems rare, and flies in the face of the "you have to hit bottom" theory. In recovery, I've realized that all along I wasn't just "a guy that liked to party," but I liked to party because I had unresolved issues around trauma and shame.
Two main points here:
1) When we tell people who are in relatively early stages of addiction that they have to declare their lives had become unmanageable and that they are insane and have character defects, they scoff and walk out and continue their behavior until greater damage is done and life really IS unmanageable. In other words, if they don't agree with Step 1, they're not likely to move to Step 2. One could argue that Step 1 actually encourages people to hit bottom before they will admit they're alcoholics or addicts. I know alcoholics and heroin addicts who manage their lives quite well. I won't say they're particularly happy, but they manage.
2) When we tell people whose lives ARE unmanageable that they are insane and have character defects we create a specific kind of mindset that may be counterproductive in the long run. OR, when someone disagrees with the idea that they are insane or defected, they're told it's just the alcoholism or addiction talking and you'll come around and see the light if you just keep working the Steps. In other words, people are judged for not agreeing with the Steps, and like me (and my mom), choose to leave the potential support of the community and are at greater risk of continued destructive behaviors.
Stevie mentioned Refuge Recovery. He probably noticed in the book that Noah Levine recommends Refuge Recovery as a supplement to AA. He says AA helped him, but only got him so far. There are talks on youtube where he is much more critical of AA's philosophical framework, and not just on the religious or Higher Power issue. I believe it's time for people within the AA community to address some of the concerns I've discussed, and which Levine discusses.
I asked one of the folks who manages our local AA house about starting a Refuge Recovery group at that house, but the answer was no because it's not a 12 Step program. I was told I could do a 12th Step meditation group, but I haven't worked the Steps with a sponsor so that was nixed, as well.
I don't blame him. I would likely be subversive. I don't want to abandon AA entirely because the structure and availability of meetings and support are so essential. But I believe it's time for AA to recognize it could be improved with some simple changes in the language that would help people develop a perspective that is more empowering.
The 12 Steps were written in another era for a Christian audience. It is the default process because in many communities it's the only choice. The 12 Steps could benefit from a fearless and moral inventory of itself.