So, when I read that article above, I had SO many reactions... all good, but a lot of feelings swirled...
I have to admit to smiling as I read it, as opposed to cringing or wishing I was strong enough to do the things she writes of... Smiling.
After years, a lifetime actually, of being that woman who was "waiting"-- waiting for things to be neat, waiting for absolute clarity, waiting for some guarantee from the universe of absolute security before I made absolutely necessary, life changing decisions-- decisions that my kids deserved to have happen a lot sooner than they did- I finally lept some years ago... I said "not this" anymore.
I pissed a lot of you off with my indecision, my arguing and rationalizing staying.... It was always due to fear. Fear that my instinct that "not this" wasn't enough to base a decision on wasn't enough.
But it was.
I decided finally, too late probably to undo some of the damage to my kids, that knowing I did not want the status quo anymore was enough.
I did not know what would happen when I decided to say "not this" anymore.
I was scared- all the time- every day- for years. I still am sometimes. Saying "not this" is unrelentingly terrifying when you don't know what might come next.
Everything turned upside down. My entire life changed.
Now, a few years into this new life journey, I still have periods where I struggle with trusting that "not this" and leaping is enough (the taxes issue as just one example)
But as I read this article I recognized that I am well enough on the other side now that I find myself hearing others so often being that old me: rationalizing, saying "I have to wait until X before I can do Y" and it's been hard to be patient and empathetic to their plight, even though I was there once too... Because I know that settling for "not this" is just not worth it...
I have lost friends and family relationships in the last two years because of my refusal to engage in dysfunction that I do have a choice to remove myself from. And while there are twinges of sadness about the positive memories that won't continue to exist, knowing that I was sure in my decision of "not this" actually makes the losses not so hard.
There is a lot more peace in my life since I started being able to say "not this"; that of course is counter intuitive for me since I would have been the first to argue that unpredictability and leaping into the unknown (thus my avatar of Scaredy Squirrel- check out the kids book if you haven't) was the opposite way to find peace. But I was dead wrong.
At this stage of the game if something has the "not this" feel, I dont wait around, I don't doubt myself forever... I value that my sense that "not this" is accurate and I am not afraid to take leaps of faith and make changes when need be even if there is no safety net or guarantee. I need to start being willing to do this sooner- without needing so much reassuring (thank you to all who helped with the tax issue and helped me be brave enough to stand up to xAH) but I am doing it as opposed to not.
I am finally, 4+ decades into this life adventure, totally okay saying "no, not this"...I don't have to be able to quantify, rationalize, justify, or have anyone else agree with me. That's pretty huge.
Sounds easy I suppose and for some who are further along the healthy journey than I am I bet it is easier.... but anyone who has known me a long time would know it's nothing short of a miracle for me to be able to be saying this and living this.
4 decades plus some of being a person who thought that seeing something through, be it a toxic relationship, a friendship that had run its course, a way of interacting etc... even when it was destroying me, was a requirement, has been a hard habit to break.
I think that I can say I'm well on my way to breaking it- finally.
"Not this". It sums it up doesn't it?!
Amazing!