something i struggle with
For a long time now I've really struggled with feeling selfish concerning my family. My dad has a history of pill usage, and even though it wasn't a horrible addiction (we still had a house, so there's that lol), he was always really emotionally unstable in my opinion. I lived with a lot of uncertainty, anxiety, walking on eggshells, etc. Now my brother is an addict and my dad has a massively codependent relationship with him. He basically supports him and keeps him sick. He never finished high school, he's unemployed, and basically has no future. He's a whole other story.
My dad always complains i never call him. I feel bad about it, but over the years its just so emotionally tiring. As a kid I always felt so much responsibility in my family. I always knew too much and literally fell asleep worrying for years as a kid. I was always the responsible one and I feel like I've been everyone's stability in a way. I felt like an emotional sponge quite often. I don't know, I may be exagerating. As an adult this has led to a real problem standing up for myself, and expressing my feelings. I have major abandonment issues, and recently dated an alcoholic. I'm basically conditioned to live for others instead of myself, which has been a journey to overcome. I've managed to accomplish a lot, but basically because I knew I had to.
An example of the behaviors I deal with; on christmas eve my dad basically yelled at me for buying my addict brother a gift. He walked over to me and said "why did you buy your brother a gift knowing he can't afford one for you? now he feels terrible!" So he made me responsible for his feelings, which is a continuous theme with them.
Anyway, long story short, I feel terrible having a really limited relationship with them. I know I should periodically call my parents and see how they are, I just can't. I'm sick of criticism, negativity, I hate the depressing way they live, and its just upsetting. I feel incredibly selfish but am I? I sometimes wonder if i'm like a secret narcissist or something?