Oh! I LOVE YOU GUYS!
This is the first time that I've gone through this kind of situation. It's gotten to the point to where I don't know when the whole insanity began. It's all a big jumbled mess to me.
I'm feeling like crap and danggit! I haven't felt that way since my ex husband beat me down between the ages of 16 and 24. It makes me MAD. And, sad at the same time. I hate what we've done to each other. I've had to get pretty friggin' mean with him and his family. I told all of them off.
He thinks he's "changing" and "becoming a much better person" and that he's "sorry that I won't get a chance to see that in him".
Yeah, at first he talked alot about his ex, but I always understood that and it didn't bother me. I think because when I told off the whole family, she was included because he had brought her up to me and how "she's on my side". So, I think he's paranoid that I'm telling her something that he doesn't want her to know. Hence, why he's bringing her up now alot and saying that he saved all my old texts to him on his cell and that he sent them to her to read (?????).
He tells me that all the time. "I let my family read your texts. And, my counselors and (ex). They know BS when they read it". Oh yeah? Do they know BS when they're told it by him? Has he ever shown them HIS texts to me that he sent when he tried committing suicide and then going into rehab? They were mean and nasty.
The thing is.......I don't like whom I've become. I don't like the fact that I've had to hate him to finally let him go. I don't like the fact that I've had to be a B**** to his family and him to get them off of my back and tell them to stop. I've done this and I'm not proud of it. That's not who I am inside, but it's what I've become through this insanity.
I've got to detach with love and move on. It's hard right now because I'm running out on hope. I've lost my parents (both died) and now I'm losing him for good and that hurts so much. I hate greiving, but it's a process of life and I'm just praying that it all turns around for the good.
I don't know what I'd do without all of you, truly! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
((hugs)))